inessential by Brent Simmons


Sheila: Go Mariners!

From now on, when I want to insult somebody, instead of calling them a jerk or a numbskull I'm going to call them a nasal swab.

Hey you nasal swab, hey you nasal swab, get offa my yard.

“Jerk” is a mild insult, almost not worth bothering with.

But it's short for one of my favorite all-time insults: “jerk-off artist.” Now that's an insult. The guy jerks off so much, loves it so much, that he's become no less than an artist.

People don't call other people jerk-off artists often enough.

It's fun to come up with variations on the theme. For instance, one might affect a British accent and say, “While perhaps not the master of the onanistic arts, he's a devoted and highly skilled craftsman.”

Or one might imagine fighting a jerk-off artist. Picture a boxing ring, surronded by thousands of your adoring fans. Howard Cosell is introducing the bad guy.

Picture any bad guy you want. Okay, Osama Bin Laden. (That was easy.)

Anyway, here's Howard Cosell:

“And in this corner, all the way from Afghanistan, is the Picasso of pud-pulling, the Chagall of chicken-choking, the Pollock of penis-pulling, the Matisse of masturbation, the Jasper Johns of jerking off—terrorism's own Osama Bin Laden!”

The crowd boos and boos and boos. Ding ding! You knock him out in the first round.