inessential by Brent Simmons


Referrer Pong

It’s not really a game, just something that happens sometimes. It goes like this:

1. I notice on my referrers page a link from Site X.

2. So I click the link and go to Site X.

3. Then the person who runs Site X sees, on his or her referrers page, a link from my site.

4. They click on the link—and discover that the link is from my referrers page.

5. I look at my referrers page again, and see a second link from Site X, so I click on it.

6. And find that I’ve gone to Site X’s referrers page.

Remember to honk when you drive by Vern Fonk.

That funny scooter thing won’t catch on here in Seattle because it has no roof. It rains, you know. Oh well.

I have 15 human clones of me; they live in my basement.

We’ve formed a synchronized swim team. I make them wear bathing suits with numbers stitched on them so I can tell them apart.

When we go out to dinner we always reserve a private room and enter through the employees’ entrance so as not to frighten people.

Terrible fights break out whenever a magazine comes in the mail or I buy a new book. There isn’t enough to read for me plus 15 more of me. Brent #8 has a bloody nose and is crying right now because he still hasn’t read Time magazine from two weeks ago. Brent #3 is hogging it.

Despite the occasional fights, they’re all very cute when they’re asleep on the big giant mattress I put in the basement. I’ll post a picture when I get a chance.

I like to make up gross names for Harry Potter books. Some of the more printable include:

Harry Potter and the Dogs from Hell
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Rock-Hard Member
Harry Potter and the Magical Breasts
Harry Potter and the Goblets of Mad Dog 20/20
Harry Potter and the Men of Cell Block J
Harry Potter and the Candy-Stripers
Harry Potter and the Monster Spliff

Now let’s see if I get some interesting Google searches for Harry Potter hitting my site.