inessential by Brent Simmons

Bong Hits with Bill Gates

So we were all over at Bill Gates’ doing bong hits and hanging out on his giant couch and then I’m all, “Dude, why are you so pushy?”

He starts laughing in that weird high-pitched voice he gets when he’s like totally baked, and his eyes are red behind those wire-frames, and he goes, “Pushy? I’m pushy? A-ha-ha-ha-ha...”

“Totally, dude,” I go, suddenly all serious and shit. I’m all, “Dude, you are so pushy, Mr. Pushmeister, the pushiest dude ever. All push, no beatin’ around the bush, pushy like smooshy.”

He laughs. “A-ha-ha-ha-ha.” Then he sniffles and wipes his nose on his sleeve and collects himself. He goes, “Dude, I will give you a billion dollars to shut the hell up.”

And I’m all, “Cool by me. You go, Billy boy.”

So he writes me a check for a billion dollars, signs his name and all, and I shut up.

Then he launches into this rant about Dot Net, “It’s so great, blah blah blah I’m so brilliant, blah blah blah, next generation n tier Web Services blah blah blah...”

He goes on and on. I start to doze, I’m just kinda mellow now, I don’t mind his boring rap too much since my mind is just kinda wandering. But then I realize he’s talking about something else now: Canada.

He goes, “I could bring down Canada. Like right now, if I wanted to. Every man, woman, and child in Canada. Not that I’d ever want to, but I could, that’s my point. I like own Canada, only they don’t know it, but they’re mine. Bring ’em down, I could.”

Well, I’ve got a check for a billion dollars in my pocket, so I could give a rat’s ass about our neighbors to the north, but I figured somebody might want to know.