inessential by Brent Simmons


If I had a time machine, where would I go? Top ten list of places.

1. The liberation of Paris. Does anything else compare, for pure joy? I doubt it.

2. The Library of Alexandria. I’d back up a bunch of moving vans and bring all the books back to the present.

3. Gertrude Stein’s Paris, 1900-1927. Hang out with Picasso in his studio; go drinking with Hemingway. I’d take a side trip to New York City for the Armory Show.

4. The American Revolution. I could spend hours and hours talking to Jefferson and Hamilton.

5. Athens at the time of Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. (Socrates, don’t drink that! It’s poison, dude!)

6. Studio 54 in the pre-AIDS, pre-Just-Say-No ’70s.

7. New York City in the ’50s and ’60s. Hang out with the Abstract Expressionists, then move on to Andy Warhol’s Factory.

8. Paris at the time of Voltaire and Denis Diderot.

9. The Roman Empire before Christianity took hold. (Nothing against Christianity, mind you, I just want to see what the empire was like.)

10. Shakespeare’s England. Who wouldn’t want to see the original productions at the Globe theater?


People who let their dogs roam free to shit in other people’s yards suck.

Note to whoever owns those big standard poodles here in Ballard: I will find you and I will put you to sleep. And you will go to Hell.

I will then shoot your dogs, and they will join you in Hell. I’m not kidding.

I just spent half an hour shovelling shit. No jury in the world would convict me.

I’m more likely to get a medal for service to humanity.

If you, dear reader, have been letting your dogs roam free into other people’s yards, don’t kid yourself: you are making some people murderously mad.