inessential by Brent Simmons

In case of danger

I’m grateful to the TV shows when I was a kid. Because of them I know what to do in case of danger.

For instance, if I’m ever plopped down in the middle of the Sahara desert without supplies, the thing to do is lie down in the sand and crawl using just my elbows while groaning, “Water, water, must have water.”

Or if a volcano blows up—I’ll turn tail and run as fast as I can. I’ll outrun the ash and lava.

Or if one day while hiking in the woods I get shot up with arrows, I’ll pull them out, one by one, being sure to grimace in pain appropriately. It’s important to wear dirty gloves as you do this, preferably gloves with the fingers cut off.

Most importantly, if I suddenly find myself at the bottom of the ocean without any scuba gear, I’ll just chew a piece of that special gum that lets you breathe underwater.