inessential by Brent Simmons

Lefties need not apply

I’ve long thought — like 85-90% of you, I’m sure — that southpaws should be barred from seeking public office, on the grounds that they can’t possibly relate to regular, right-handed Americans.

How can these sinister types know anything about our concerns and worries? They’re flipped all around. They’re mirror-images of normal people, and a hallmark of elitism is obsession with mirrors and images.

These gaucheries are often applauded for being great pitchers and for being creative, out-of-the-box thinkers. Think again, I say — with the Dow moving out of its own box, we need people who can think it back inside the box. Inside-the-box thinking is exactly what this country needs. Not strikeouts.

You may think this is an anti-Obama rant — but it’s not. Obama is left-handed, yes, but so is McCain. Sure, he comes across right-handed, but don’t be fooled. Total lefty.

Seems like no matter what we do this year we’re going south.

We’ve had other wrong-handed presidents lately: Ford, Reagan, first Bush, Bill Clinton. (At least our current president is right-handed!)

I don’t know about you — or, rather, I think I do, so I’m just gonna say what you’re all thinking.

You’re tired of the anti-dextrous. You’ve had enough of their special rights and scissors.

You’re sick of their lack of empathy for the north-limbed, the majority after all, who have suffered so long at their satanic hands.

You tell me, and I hear you, that America is all about democracy. Democracy means majority wins. Period. The southern-appendaged are not part of the majority.

And yet, here we go again.